Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
