I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
