I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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