Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
