i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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