I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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