What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Holy shit dude........stairs
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