whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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