Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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