Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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