Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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