I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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