I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
