i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
