I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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