Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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