Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
