I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
