dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
