I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
