just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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