I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
