Will you blow on my dice?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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