Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Everything about him screamed your future.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
