one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
