p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize