WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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