fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
