he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize