the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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