He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are a genius and a whore.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
