I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
