so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
