Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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