Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
