her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm too high and old for this...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
