Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
