I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
