I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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