In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
