Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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