you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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