you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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