ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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