I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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