Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
