I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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