Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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