so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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