Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
