My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
