is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
