i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
