I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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