So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
