the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
