Soap is not a condiment
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
