mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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