She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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