if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
