I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
