i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
