I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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