just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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