who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
