he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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