Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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