he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
